9/14/07

There may be a ton of people but i dont feel any of them are worth my talking to. everyone who speaks up in this class seems to be doing so to intentionally try to bring down everyone elses mental capacities. everyone just seems so ignorant. stuck up, incomplex humans with generic feelings and beliefs who think theyre einstiens based only on the fact they attend a community college. I'm sure i could find a bit of worth in everyone here if they would wake up and realize the world isnt directly funcioning around them. it's like high school, supersized. they arent the center of the univers and neither am i. 'we are merely minute parts of a complex whole which i dare not attempt to understand' I need to find a drive, a place, a warmth, a balance, an expirience, a set of expiriences, that somehow brings me out. me, the real me. i feel i don't know myself which would make it entirely impossible for anyone else to know, or understand me, or even begin to. 'everyone can be an actor.' everyone already is an actor. it's bullshit to make this statement when everyone sitting in this room is already playing their role, including me. theres the annoying keep who wont stop laughing and sucking up to the professor, the slutty girl, the meatheads, the loud girl, the fat kid, the older person coming back to get their diploma after taking far too many years off, the drama kids, the band kids, the well dressed kid, the hipsters, i could go on and on but what would that do? everyone fits a stereotype, including myself. i can't tell you where i fit, but i'm sure everyone else in this room could tell you. Imitation and impersonation. its everyone, and everywhere. nothing changes, the same people, the same shit, the same me. I'm not inclined to hate. I dont wake up in the morning and set a goal number of people that i am going to dislike today. I think that everyone brings hate upon themselves. happiness can only be reached through yourself. i guess thats my problem. i dont make myself happy. I guess it's time to change. self loathing has gotten stale. time to find what i want. time to better myself. i want to be comfortable, i want to have self worth. i want to wake up and look at my day as another 24 hours i have to love my life.