7/26

fist full of quarters in this vending machine world

recurring dream 2

I'm inside the flat. I walk over to the window and see the bustle in the street below. I turn and walk into the living room. I sit down at the computer and look over, she sits up and smiles. I start working on something, quickly getting immersed in the glowing screen. She gets dressed and comes over to me, whispers something in my ear and I smirk. She moves into the kitchen as I slowly get up and dress myself. I look in the mirror and see her coming up behind me. She's wearing a dress, it fits her perfectly. I gape at her, she giggles and wraps her arms around my waste. We talk at each other in the mirror and laugh. We make our way over to the door and put on our coats. We walk down a long staircase that leads out to the crowded street. I open the door and we wait for a gap in the people to get out. I take her hand and and we start walking. Everyone on the street is walking in the opposite direction. Noone touches me but they all seem to bump into her. I tighten my grip and lead her up the street. We eventually make it to a park bench at the end of the block. We sit and watch the people move. We look at each other and smile. She says something else and I check my watch. I stand up and take her hand again. We are going back the way we came, but again all the people in the streets are moving in the opposite direction. This time more and more she is being pummeled by body after body. It feels like I'm dragging her through the sea. After much effort we arrive back at the door. We climb the stairs and take off our coats. I sit down at the computer and begin working once again. She walks up behind me, spins the char and kisses me. I smile and brush her hair out of her eyes. She moves back into the bedroom and lays down. Then i wake up.

2/5/07 - recurring dream

The house is dilapidated. The bricks are all dark shades of red and none of them seem to be exactly the same color. Most of them are different sizes and the majority of them have shedded chips which cover the path to the house. There's thick green vines clinging to the side tighter than a toddler to their parents leg. The dirty grey shudders sway with the wind. I walk onto the porch and notice the adress sign. The address is 46876 however one wouldn't ever figure this out from a distance because the sixes are dangling by their nails and both form makeshift nines. The doorbell is ripped out of the wall and the wires don't look too safe. I reach for the knocker but the thick coat of rust deters me. I rap on the door but before the third knock it already swings open before me. There's a small boy with short blonde hair. He grabs my hand and leads me in. I look around the house and can't help but wonder how beautiful it would be if it was kept up. The boy keeps tugging my arm, through the den in which the walls were covered in posters, but all of them seemed to be ripped in half before being plastered onto the walls. There were three leather sofas, none of which had coushions and there were gaping holes in the back of two of them. He then lead me down the hall, past the kitchen in which a woman was emptying the cabinets of bowls and smashing them on the floor. But it seemed like every cuppord she opened contained endless amounts of bowls. And for some reason this didn't seem strange to the boy. Next we turned left and headed up the stairs. The rail going up was not wood, it looked like wood, but when I put my hand on it the surface sucked in and my hand print was left there. There was a room directly in front of the stairs with giant tv screens covering the walls, but all that was on them was static. He leads me into a room that looks completely normal. It's small, the walls are coated in a light blue paint and the ceiling is a very dark blue. The only things in the room are a dresser, a small round table with two chairs and a lamp. He switches on the lamp and gestures for me to come over by him. He puts my hand on the lamp and nods. I turn it off.Then I wake up.

irvine welsh

"Dreams are funny cunts, nae doubt aboot that. Ah've read a lot about them, from pop psychology tae Freud, but naebody kens for sure. Tha's what ah hate most aboot the world. Too many twats sayin this is how it is. This is how it is for thaim, they mean. Where's the fuckin doubt? Where's the fuckin humility in the face ay the wondrous complexity ay this great cosmic universe?"

9/14/07

There may be a ton of people but i dont feel any of them are worth my talking to. everyone who speaks up in this class seems to be doing so to intentionally try to bring down everyone elses mental capacities. everyone just seems so ignorant. stuck up, incomplex humans with generic feelings and beliefs who think theyre einstiens based only on the fact they attend a community college. I'm sure i could find a bit of worth in everyone here if they would wake up and realize the world isnt directly funcioning around them. it's like high school, supersized. they arent the center of the univers and neither am i. 'we are merely minute parts of a complex whole which i dare not attempt to understand' I need to find a drive, a place, a warmth, a balance, an expirience, a set of expiriences, that somehow brings me out. me, the real me. i feel i don't know myself which would make it entirely impossible for anyone else to know, or understand me, or even begin to. 'everyone can be an actor.' everyone already is an actor. it's bullshit to make this statement when everyone sitting in this room is already playing their role, including me. theres the annoying keep who wont stop laughing and sucking up to the professor, the slutty girl, the meatheads, the loud girl, the fat kid, the older person coming back to get their diploma after taking far too many years off, the drama kids, the band kids, the well dressed kid, the hipsters, i could go on and on but what would that do? everyone fits a stereotype, including myself. i can't tell you where i fit, but i'm sure everyone else in this room could tell you. Imitation and impersonation. its everyone, and everywhere. nothing changes, the same people, the same shit, the same me. I'm not inclined to hate. I dont wake up in the morning and set a goal number of people that i am going to dislike today. I think that everyone brings hate upon themselves. happiness can only be reached through yourself. i guess thats my problem. i dont make myself happy. I guess it's time to change. self loathing has gotten stale. time to find what i want. time to better myself. i want to be comfortable, i want to have self worth. i want to wake up and look at my day as another 24 hours i have to love my life.

highinart

can we run far from here
fields of grain or corn or rice
ANYWHERE in the open
the gray cement takes hold after a time
are we organic?
are we alive?
color stays but feeling dies

starch

i'm outside your window
i can feel your here
the burning we had
the unreachable itch
i can taste the words
i can't spit them out
private thoughts and a sticky mouth
it broke my heart to move my tongue

strungup

read the age in the eyelids
sing to me in the sky
these paved walks and waterways
are treason to my eyes
coming off so sincere
but my feelings i've disguised
i'll flood your thoughts with cocaine colored lies

sleepystress

theres no love left in this bloody mess
stayed together too long
rode it till there was nothing left
i miss smiles, starlight
and that sunday morning dress
after said and done it seems it was for the best

we stop and stare like wax sculptures
your apache glare tears me to shreds

.

"i'm leet, your leet, let's roflzor together"

find me a friend
find me a female
find me a preoccupation

find me anything to keep from dwelling
i can never relive
i can never undo
anything

force me past the standards
idealistic representations of past present and future
live for me
for today
for right now

beep

break the alarm
turn down my distinction
loneliness is a void i can't fill
pardon me, can i come to your place?
beyond terror
trust
cross the line
cross your heart
cross me daily

celestial

she took the train a little late on that wednesday
upright and steady, almost too damn independent
he approaches, a little too friendly
she shrugs and smiles
now she seems almost empty

Kid,

I got your back, I'm on your side. Best friends means no fear, willing to die.

across the isle, the woman in white
i want to know her flaws
her smirk is deadly
who's heart's on the bottom of her shoes?
she squirms and shakes
i wonder what story repeats in her brain
lower the table, raise a brow
interrogation of the heart
have i been dead from the start?

5.7

Constant motion in my mind. Wheels always turn but don't spit out comprehensible thought. Intuition trips me out.

5.3

SOMAS + SLEEPLESS NIGHTS + NO WINDOW SEATS ON THE TRAIN + 20OZ DR. PEPPER = BLISS

5.1

and once again the true meaning is overlooked

a glossy finish

a mere shell of what i used to be

i travel these streets as a nomad

home is the road or where i rest overnight

calloused hands and sunken eyes

crooked teeth and a twisted smile

hearts the largest all the while

tired poor slumped in denail

4.29

note to self: Jamba Juice pomegranate blast is fucking amazing.

4.26

Lately I been trying to respect and make light of the fine print.
I have too much time spent with my mind bent over backwards.
I no longer dwell on your words.

4.25

I've been in and out of these cracks before.

4.24

Scoot over, make room in the grand scheme.
SPRING SPRING SPRING
I'm doing pretty well, attending class and trying to stay healthy.. and happy.

I want to keep my pen moving, keep the ink rolling, keep my mind growin, keep acceptance flowin. New experiences and feelings. A new existence. A fresh start. Life is mine for the taking.

4.23

Like an abandoned building; tall, dark and empty.

4/22

70 degrees outside and sunny. One of the nicest days I've every experienced in this city. My sleep schedule is terrible, I've been up past 7am the last 3 days. I'm so tired but so energetic at the same time.

4.8

I started taking 5htp to see if it makes a difference in my daily mindset and attitude. I'm sick of constant negativity and pessimistic views on everything and anything. I've actually been feeling pretty well for the last couple days. It's refreshing that spring is coming and it's nice to feel it in the weather. No more dreary, cold snowing nights... until next year.

3/11

All I need to do this final for cs is my internet.. too bad we havent payed the bill and it's shut off. Company in town for a few days, it'll be nice. Allen Park in Chicago. Habits break hard.

3/4

She's here for a few days. Something to dull the loneliness. Today Vance Burke rambled for so long it was obscene. At least I know I'll do good on his final. The steel grating that surrounds the benches at the train stops make me think of people sitting in cages. One day I truly hope to have a view over water.

2/28/08

Vance Burke, my professor for math 250 rambles entirely too much. We went from set theory to digital logic to nobel prize winners to microchips to lottery odds. Maybe it's his strategy to keep people's attention, maybe he's just crazy. Either way he's an interesting man.

2/20/08

Cold as fuck outside. At least it's sunny. The intereste levels and brightness of spring are approaching. People just look better. My mind is scattered, but in a good way. I'm going home soon, it'll be good to see my friends. I love this city but lonliness hits hard. I need to get motivated, find some type of catalyst to keep myself getting out of bed every morning. I don't believe in fear of failure, I've failed before in every aspect of the word. Keep moving, keep motivated, keep trying.
"Ask god how much is too much, he wrote a note in the clouds 'keep fuckin em up'"
If I can't be happy I need to be content. Be anything but down and out. I'm more than another midwestern depression case. dodododododododoooo the worst is over.

2/6/08

Today is the shittiest weather possible. Hail, sleet, snow, cold water everywhere. I'm chilled to the bone. Even with the unfriendly weather I'm in a good mood. I picked up a few pavement ep's and the 2nd decemberists album. I'm spaced out. My thoughts jump quickly - i need speakers for my computer - save money for a ds - conversations are generally more interesting to me when i'm listening and not interactig.

2/5/08 pt 2

Visual perception contributes far too strongly to our initial impressions on new people. Daily you walk around and are judged based soley on your face, your glasses, your shoes - hats - gloves - coat - pants - EVERY asthetic aspect of you. What you've done for yourself, your family, or other people is completely overshadowed by your physical appearance, even after the initial meeting and getting to know a person. If you are very attractive you are judged far less harshly then your typical joe. I feel degrated, disgusting, judgemental. This modern american life is wearing me down.

2/5/08

Blank, where is my mind?
whose compilation of thoughts make up my reality?

2/4/08

"In a nutshell, Buddah taught that we suffer because we are partial to ourselves.

I cannot be bored listening to you complain unless I am judging you or wishing you were talking about something interesting to me. It's the me that gets bored.

The more self concious I am, the more me there is to suffer."

1/22/08

blank face
cramped space
loud people
annoyance
avoidance
ignorance
bliss

1/20/08

the man on the train looks so sad
bald spot sits on top of his head
wirey grey hair and thin rimmed glasses
bloodshot blue eyes with a red puffy nose
droopy cheeks with a grey woolcoat
he sniffled and held his phone hard
the woman now knows exactly how he feels
defeated, misled, betrayed

Overview

this is a collection of journal entries from past and present, comment, post replys, let me know what you think.